It’s been one year since my dad passed.
I don’t think I could miss him more if I tried.
I can count the days I’ve thought about calling, the days I’ve missed him, the days I was reminded of him.
365. Every day.
There’s so much I wish I could’ve talked to you about this year. Conference presentations, manuscripts published, my dissertation proposal, getting engaged, interviewing for post-docs, all my traveling. I wish we were planning our World Cup game, you coming to Columbia for my graduation, what songs I’d play at my wedding.
It felt too soon to me. That’s the truth. I still feel like there’s time stolen and things you’re missing that you shouldn’t be.
And… I also think about what you might be doing every day up in heaven. What adventures you’re going on with Uncle Jack, what you’re tasting in the kitchen with Aunt Margie, what birds you’re watching with your grandmother, what pastries your eating on the porch with Susan Vaughn, what meat you’re smoking for everyone, who’s listening to your stories and rants playing devil’s advocate, what soccer game you’re playing/watching, what music you’re playing/listening to. And I smile.
I am sad every day. For all the things that you’re missing and that I can’t call you about.
I am thankful every day. For you being my dad, all that you taught me and how you raised me.
I am relieved every day. For the fact that you are no longer in pain.
I am happy every day. For imagining all the things you’re doing in heaven.
I wasn’t exactly sure what to do today. I’m sad with all of the reminders of what today marks, and what the past week looked like last year. I’m also really happy and proud of the scholarship we’ve set up in my dad’s name. So maybe I’ll have dinner and a drink in your honor, because that’s what I think you would do and what you would want.
I love you Goat Dad, and I’ll keep making it day by day. Cheers to you and your life.