Self Worth and Value

This semester has been a hard one in a lot of ways.

I’ve learned that recovering from any knee injury never gets easier. I’ve learned that Chemistry is the bane of my existence. I’ve learned that internal conflict creates external conflict.

The good news is this: I’ve made a lot of mistakes. But I’ve learned from them. I’ve questioned myself and God, but He has shown me light in a miraculous amount of time.

I’ve struggled with myself all semester, getting upset with people and situations and knowing deep down I shouldn’t be upset or that I wouldn’t usually be upset, but then I was more upset because I was upset. Pretty confusing, huh? I would get upset about something small and know that what I was really upset about wasn’t that small thing at all, but I didn’t know what it really was.

The past 72 hours has been a whirlwind. I’ve been hurt, I’ve cried, I’ve opened up and told people my story, but I’ve also been renewed and blessed and grateful and loved.

When kids are growing up, they look to their parents for the approval or disapproval of their actions. Kids learn that they’ll either get praised or punished for their actions. So like most kids, I went through the same thing, but things changed a little when my family had to go through the black hole of divorce. Everyone was upset, everyone was acting pretty crazy, and nothing was stable. So as an elementary school kid, I saw myself as our stone, as the glue to hold things together. Without realizing it, I grew into the idea that as long as my parents were happy with me, I was happy with me. And before I knew it, I drew a line with my parents’ happiness with me and my self worth and value.

So at the beginning of the semester, I wasn’t getting praise or punishment. I wasn’t really getting anything to link my self-worth and value to. So it started to fall and without realizing it, I began to try to find that worth and value elsewhere.

And within the last 72 hours, I went through heart break and denial and frustration and confusion all to find myself even more. I’ve realized my parents do and always have loved me no matter the mistakes I’ve made or things I’ve accomplished. I don’t have to work for their love or approval because it’s always been there and always will be.

I know that I’m not totally crazy and that at some point we all have to come to terms with our hardships and we all have to deal with the things we don’t want to face. We all go through things that are degrading and hurtful and we question God, we question ourselves and our purpose.

So let me tell you this: I thought my purpose was to be glue. To be a rock. To keep my family afloat. And maybe that isn’t wrong, but it isn’t all right either. Maybe we don’t have just one purpose in the world, maybe we have hundreds or thousands. Maybe our purpose is to smile and say hi to the stranger walking down the street and to make their day because someone actually noticed them. Or maybe our purpose is to change the world in some incredible way. But the one thing I know for certain is that the God who created this crazy and mysterious world, who created the moon and the stars in the sky, who created the sunrise and sunset, who created all these beautiful things, also created you and me. He created us for some reason or reasons. He created us for this life to live, knowing that we would make mistakes and cause pain and be in pain.

Our self worth doesn’t come from people, it comes from God. And God wants you and me and the kid that sits behind you here on this Earth. We are all so loved whether we see it all or feel it all the time. Who cares if you make a bad grade or don’t have the best game of your life? You’re still here and God wants you here and He loves you and that’s pretty amazing.