Mental Health, a topic that for some reason we like to avoid. We like to make it seem like we’ve got it all together even though we love when the person we think has it all together admits that they don’t. As a species, I don’t believe that we are meant to “have it all together.”
I interact with a lot of older people who are living with typically multiple forms of chronic disease. And I try to say how great it is to have a positive attitude, to still see the bright side of life, but I also try to be as intentional as possible when I can tell they’re forcing it. I try to say that YES, it does suck. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay and valid to be sad, mad, hurt, any feeling you have, is valid. The thing about any type of chronic disease is that it’s never not on your mind. It’s an AKWAYS. And that’s a big adjustment and lifestyle that those who aren’t dealing with it, don’t see.
Today, people tell me how great I handle having type 1 diabetes. They tell me how great it is that I can smile while I do research to make others’ lives better with this disease. They tell me how strong I must be so stab myself… to inject my infusion set.. to prick my finger. And you know what, they aren’t wrong.
But that’s not where I started.
The reality is that I went through a lot of mental health issues around my diagnosis. I truly with all of my heart believed that God hated me, that I was being punished for not being good enough, that I had done something wrong. How could I get a disease that was genetic if it wasn’t in my family at all.. that was an intentional dig from God. Or so I thought.
I felt myself go numb. I was depressed. I was also pretty high functioning which is not a good situation. Because I smiled, I laughed, I hung out with my friends, I played soccer, I still made good grades.
It was a lot to process, the ultimate feeling of failure. I failed so miserably even God hated me.
I was numb from my pain. Recognizing my numbness while also recognizing that I was numb from the immense pain in my heart. I craved to control the pain. If I was going to hurt, it was because I made myself hurt. Not because of the needle, not because of family problems, not because of God, me. I wanted the pain to be because I did something that I could see and feel and do, it was my choice.
So I took a piece of sharp plastic I found on my floor, and I caused my own pain. To see how numb I was. To mask all the external pain I couldn’t control as if I could. I never cut deep, not enough to really see, I cut just enough to break skin, to see my human-ness.
Something I’ve discovered about myself in the past couple of years is that it really takes me a while to wholly process my emotions and figure out how I feel and why. So my mom had me in counseling with some lady who apparently specialized in diabetes. I hated it. The lady was super nice and kind, I liked her, but I wasn’t ready to talk. I needed it to be my pace and it made me more angry. I know now where my mom was coming from and appreciate her effort to do the right thing for me.
I needed time to even figure out exactly how I felt. I didn’t cut for a long time, but I did cut. And I realized that my urge to cut that continued wasn’t for the cut itself it was at the core about being able to control the pain I was feeling and where it was coming from.
The moment I realized God didn’t hate me, when I realized that God was actually walking with me each moment and step of the way, weeping with me, the urge stopped. And that doesn’t mean that everything was all good in one second, it’s been a long process. But I took a lot of time to not be completely okay. And I worked on myself and my relationship with God devoutly.
So, it’s okay to not be okay.. I honestly believe it’s normal, it’s good to go through those emotions. As long as you’re going through it, not sinking and drowning in it. To parents, I can only imagine your own path of mental health as your child goes through this. I can only imagine the pain and questions and anxiety you feel. And the only thing I can say is to listen to your kid. Ask what they’re thinking/feeling, and respect it. They’ll do better if they go at their own pace.
Be gentle with yourself and this season of life. Ask for help, receive love, and keep taking baby steps.
HP