I’ve spent quite some time reflecting on 2018 and what I’ve realized is that it went nothing like I thought it would. I’ll admit, when 2018 started, I was full of questions – I didn’t know what was coming after graduation, what my next step would be, or where I even wanted it to be. It’s hard to say this year wasn’t how I expected when I didn’t have any expectations, but it sure surpassed anything I could have imagined. This year wasn’t sunshine and daisies all the time, that’s not what I’m saying, but I fell in love with overcast, and even some storms.
I fell in love with representing my school and higher education.
In my last year or so at Berry, I had the opportunity to help make presentations on behalf of the QEP. I had been a part of the pilot class which was being taught by one of my favorite professors, but it was solely a discussion-based class. In the class we were able to write and discuss connections we had made through prompts we were given. Connections about how our education, our work experience, our study abroad trips, anything we had been a part of at Berry, and how they were intertwined. How it all effected our next steps and our long-term goals. I got to vouch for the program and present how much I loved the class to numerous groups of people. I knew I had fallen in love with representing what I believed Berry stood for in terms of educational principles during the SACS accreditation presentation when those in charge of our QEP kept being questioned on how the class could be quantifiably measured. And I couldn’t help but be sad for her because she didn’t understand who Berry was. She didn’t get that sometimes things aren’t quantifiable… and that’s a good thing. I fell in love with representing that and standing for that, believing with my whole heart in an education based on more than my grade in a class or the language I used in a paper, but how it all related to a larger scale picture of my life. I fell in love with seeing how relationships and challenges helped mold what I know I want in my life. I fell in love with seeing how head, heart, and hands encapsulates a way to learn that’s not measured by standardized testing, but by the individual person and their hopes, dreams, and ambitions.
At the end of the final semester, I won the Martha Berry award… how? I’m still not sure. When I got invited to Honor’s Convocation, I saw the Martha Berry award listed as an option and my heart sunk a little thinking of how cool it would be to be picked as having encapsulated Martha Berry’s mission. I didn’t graduate from Berry with a 4.0, I wasn’t even close, so I felt I knew that I wasn’t the student for the award. But that night.. I won the Martha Berry award. And I wasn’t in love with the fact I had won the award, I fell in love with the fact that the award wasn’t chosen based on GPA (it couldn’t have been or I wouldn’t have won). I fell in love with the idea that an institution still values students for what they do and who they are rather than just how well they did on their exams through college.
So when I think about my future and my long term goals, I love the idea of impacting students and providing an education that’s more about building connections and relationships, learning how to balance all the things in life, learning about who the student is themselves more so than asking students to prepare for a single exam so that the institution scores go up. I think the scores will come when students feel they are valued and poured into and that happens when the grade isn’t the ultimate goal. I fell in love with a complex idea of education and how it can impact younger generations.
I fell in love with the lasts.
My biggest fear of 2019 was graduating and leaving Berry College for the last time as a student. I was worried about what was to come and if I would be able to keep up. Somehow I had become successful at Berry, and I worried that in the next stage, I would be disappointing. So while the spring semester was full of different ceremonies, presentations, banquets, dinners, and events that made me thankful for dry shampoo and coffee, it was also a time of putting fun as a top priority. I did things like go out on a weeknight when I had a test the next day, climb to roofs of buildings to watch the sunset, pulled an all nighter (even if it was to finish a project), snuck into a fancy hotel pool at night to drink wine and eat chocolate with my best friend, and I made memories with friends who I’ll have forever. I’m still sad sometimes when I think about the good-byes I said that often felt too short. But each moment was full of gratitude. I fell in love with the relationships I had made and knowing that I had so many people who had turned into family, and that wouldn’t change no matter where I went. The lasts were all dreaded, pushed until the last minute, and they were hard, harder that I wanted or expected, but they were so good. Good because I could tell each person how much they meant to me, give them a hug and squeeze a little tighter, write them a note so they never forget. The lasts gave me meaningful memories that keep reminding me that places like Berry do exist, and the magic is real. I fell in love with the amount of relationships I had made and fell in love with how many hard good-bye’s I had.
I fell in love with Lighthouse.
Lighthouse Family Retreats is the non-profit that I’ve been volunteering with since the summer of 2015. This past summer I got to actually work for them as an intern, and I learned so much more than I ever thought I could. I fell in love with reading daily scripture, thanks to Scott Wade for encouraging us to read Matthew, for dedicating even a few minutes every day solely to the Word and thinking through it, talking through it, living through it. I fell in love with the hard work, the behind the scenes and watching families get to experience the love of Christ through that work. I fell in love with dance parties, face paint with glitter, and spoon trains at the end of the day (IYKYK). I fell in love with the smile on a child’s face seeing the ocean for the first time. I fell in love with watching their eyes grow from being overwhelmed at all the different options of donuts in the mornings. I fell in love with putting up that big white tent, not because it was actually enjoyable to do, but because I knew the magic that was to come. One of my good friends I made at Lighthouse, Chloe Kliment, talked to me at the beach, or as we were laying down to sleep for the night, about her coming up job at North Point and about really making a place for someone, and through her executing that so beautifully at Lighthouse, I fell in love with it too. To intentionally prepare a place for someone to be loved, just for them, so they don’t have to worry about it. Every day we had the choice to do something just a little extra for someone, to put their name on a sign in the sand so they knew their whole family had a place prepared for them, a vegetarian meal option so they didn’t have to buy their own food, games they could play and people for them to play with, and every day I loved watching those things make people smile. And not just a smile to make someone happy, but a smile that comes when you feel your heart skip a beat because you feel so loved. I fell in love with seeing Jesus working every single day, knowing that the work I was doing matters.
I fell in love with Jesus every day.
My goal every day is to fall more in love with Jesus, to let His love surround me and be shining through me to everyone around me. I was hesitant to say this statement because let me tell you, I missed days in my devotional, I didn’t go to church every Sunday and sometimes that was just because I was tired and wanted to have a slow morning and lay in bed, and there were definitely times I was angry and not understanding. But through all the hard times, I found myself holding on to the truth that is Jesus. I found myself holding on as tight as I could to the fact that I know Jesus is my best friend and He wants better for me than I want for myself. It was like being on a roller coaster and closing your eyes feeling life rush around you at a faster pace than you can keep up with and Jesus was the handle bars.. gripping as tightly as possible just to not get lost. I flourished in the times when I was conscious that each person is made in His image and each person has a part of Him in them. I fell in love with trying to find that part – to look at someone who was seemingly impossible at first, but choosing to love them knowing that Jesus loves them, so I should do my best to as well. I fell in love with struggling and/or failing and falling back on my main dude, Jesus, knowing that His plan for me is bigger and better than what I have in my mind. In the times that felt like I was falling down a hole and everything was black, I never lost sight of the light at the end, knowing it was there and I would get there eventually. Trusting with my whole heart that I truly have no idea what is going to happen next and that can be scary, but it’s also so incredibly exciting because I know it’s going to be great even if it’s a season of growth and some pain. I fell in love with putting my heart out for Him at every crossroad, every question, finding comfort in the discomfort. I fell in love with seeking Him in the darkness, praying to Him when I was lonely, closing my eyes at night knowing with my whole being that I am not in control and that’s a beautiful thing.
I fell in love with my life and began to better love myself.
This past year wasn’t perfect. It was really, really hard. There are breakdowns that I remember vividly, and not just a couple, but many. There were times I wasn’t sure I was where I was supposed to be. There were times when I started to lose myself. Times when I cried until nothing else came out. Times when I thought I already hit my prime and it was downhill from there. AND YET. Those times never overcame me. I have finally come to a point this year in my faith that has provided me with this foundation and relationship with Jesus that is unshakeable. And it’s through that I’ve been able to see in the shadows with a light. It’s because of that relationship that I look back on the year as a whole and am full of joy, smiling ear to ear, excited for what’s coming next. I’ve been able to take my past, accept it, and love it for giving me a story that allows me to connect with such a diverse group of peopleI fell in love with things that used to be my greatest fears… I fell in love with building true and lasting relationships with people. I fell in love with being vulnerable, open, and honest. I fell in love with pouring myself into those around me. I fell in love with daily prayer. I fell in love the unknown. Most importantly, I fell in love with giving myself to Jesus every day… and not just pieces of me, but all of me. Every broken piece, every failure, every success, every mistake, and every opportunity. I fell in love with my life, began to better love myself, and began to better love people because I fell in love with my best friend, Jesus.