Yesterday and today were particularly hard.
What has kept me up the past couple of nights has shifted. Typically, it has been missing my dad. Wishing I could call him and tell him updates on my life, tell him what’s going on. As time went on and our typical time without talking had passed, missing him and yearning to hear his voice and his words of comfort definitely got bigger.
But I’ve started to feel distant.
It’s not just that I miss him. I’ve been missing him.
It’s not just that he’s gone. He’s been gone.
It’s starting to go beyond just that it’s been longer than normal. It’s sinking in that even what previously ‘is’ or ‘is happening’ or anything present tense, is now transforming into something past tense.
I knew this would come. It’s a new wave and deepness of sadness. I try to feel his presence, to pray to him, to think about him holding my hand his last days, hugging me with his biggest smile when I would come home from school, his voice when he would sing while playing guitar in the living room, how his voice was different when he sang me to sleep when I was little. I try to remember and recount his stories that he would tell.
But I don’t always feel him. Sometimes I know what he would say and I can hear him saying that to me. Or I can almost feel him hug me. But I’m not sure I know what it feels like to feel connected to him in this new phase. And I’m terrified I won’t ever feel that connection again.
I just miss my dad. And the sadness has been nothing short of overbearing and overwhelming the past couple of days.