My dad and I never had a relationship that we talked every day, every other day, or even every week. I think we both usually tried for once a week, but sometimes it was two, sometimes a little over.
My point being, I was used to not talking to my dad all the time.
Sometimes I think that stumps my grief. That day to day, this doesn’t always feel different. Even going on a trip, it doesn’t feel different in the moment.
Since my dad was sick and it was obvious that he wasn’t going to be here long, I’ve known there are huge parts of my life that he wouldn’t be here for. I think I’ve accepted those for the most part. Getting engage, getting married, graduating, getting a job, even down to talking through post-doc offers, moving, talking on the phone weekly, etc.
I think it’s more the things that I couldn’t have anticipated. The trips I know he would’ve enjoyed. The specific offers I’m getting, the opportunities I have to move abroad.
He would’ve missed hearing about today. He would’ve liked to be part of today.
I was in Omaha last week for a conference, and thinking of him often, I thought about how much he would be surprised by the food, the cool bars, the people I was talking with.
I flew from Omaha straight to Boston for another conference this week. Tom met me here on Friday and we’ve been exploring until the actual conference starts Tuesday.
I couldn’t help but get emotional at dinner thinking about how happy my dad would’ve been to be here today. He would’ve loved today.
He would’ve loved the history, how kind the people are, all the people in the park. He would’ve sat on a bench for hours and just loved watching people. He would’ve ordered the smoked salmon omelet for brunch. We ordered a raw seafood platter for dinner with lobster bisque and clam chowder. He would’ve loved the oysters, the fact they served everything with vinegar.
I remember the first time he ordered lobster bisque at a soccer dinner I think when I was in middle school and I’ve never been the same. He would’ve sat back happy as a clam (pun intended).
I say all of this not out of regret. I’m so happy and thankful knowing my dad truly did everything on his bucket list. I’m just so sad to think of this things I didn’t know, and maybe he didn’t know, that he would’ve loved and I would’ve loved enjoying with him.
My dad would’ve loved just hearing about my trip to Boston, but I just wish, and am sad that I didn’t have the opportunity to invite him to explore it with me.
We went to fenway yesterday, ate apps at a blues bar outside the stadium, explored the history of Boston, got fresh seafood, sat at the park, and watched the Cardinals vs. Cubs while we ate dinner on the harbor. He would’ve loved every second. And every second I missed him.