OrdinarilyDifferent

Just a couple short weeks before I returned to Berry for my Junior year and for preseason this past summer, I accepted my fourth job for the school year. I remember texting my boyfriend at the time and just being so full of joy and excitement! I sure didn’t know how I was going to do it, I had absolutely no idea. How was I supposed to be a full time student.. a student athlete.. IN SEASON at that… with four jobs. Oh and maybe just a sliver of a social life. And ya know just get adequate sleep. Oh I also knew I should probably eat sometimes, maybe get a coffee while I’m at it. But seriously, I had no idea how I was going to pull off this semester, truly clueless, but I did know that somehow, I would.

I’m not really one to brag on myself, I actually have found this semester that I’m too hard on myself the majority of the time. But for the first time I think in my life, I’m not sitting here thinking about all the things I could have done better or differently, I’m not wondering about the “what if” or what could have been, I’m not proud of myself for a single test grade and mad at myself for another, for the first time I’m genuinely so proud of myself. Of course, this semester was definitely not perfect by any means. There were times I didn’t know if I would make it, times I wanted to give up, times I was angry at myself, and times I just wanted to break down and cry because it all seemed too hard. But I didn’t and I think that’s an accomplishment in itself.

First and foremost this semester, I was a student. That was kind of the deal going to college, putting school first for four years and figuring out my life and goals and a bunch of fun stuff like that. I picked my lightest class load yet to help myself with the whole four jobs and being in season thing, but I still had a full time student load including the first part of Anatomy and Physiology, the one class I felt I had to do the best in to make my overall science GPA higher and more appealing to graduate programs. There were a couple weeks where I swear my professors got together and decided to have everything due at the same time, and those times made life a little more stressful and difficult, but for the most part, I was able to stay on top of my studies all semester and at the end of it, I made A’s and one B so I made the Dean’s List for the second semester in a row, something I’m truly proud of.

At Berry, our recreation center/gym/my home is called the Cage Center. By the end of the semester, one of my boss’ came up to me when he was leaving work to go home, so about 5-6 in the evening, and asked, “Hannah, have you even left the Cage today?” And to be honest, I had only once for class and to pick up lunch only to bring it right back to the Cage. Most of my mornings started at the Cage somewhere between 6-7 in the morning and I usually ended there somewhere between 9-10 at night. You see, three of my jobs were at the Cage: personal trainer, Cage Center supervisor, and nutrition specialist. Besides work, I also had classes in the Cage and my coaches offices were in there too, so I pretty much lived there. I usually even had some clothes and food up at the front desk. People think I’m absolutely crazy for having so many jobs, and maybe I am. Maybe I’m even more crazy for enjoying it… but if I enjoy it, is it really even work? That’s where I feel the most blessed. I’ve been given these amazing opportunities to pursue jobs in areas that I want to explore for the rest of my life, and opportunities that will help lead a path for higher education, AND opportunities filled with such wonderful people that my coworkers and clients really just feel like family. Every single one of my bosses knows me on a personal level. They ask about other areas of my life and get this… They actually care. My boss at the Cage took me out to see construction progress at our soccer fields one day when I was stressed and just talked to me about how things were going. Both of my bosses for personal training and nutrition continually give me more opportunities to expand my knowledge and get more experience. They ask about my family and my school. And my clients become my friends and extensions of my family. I spend half the time just laughing with them and learning from them. They text me to see how a test went, they lend me books for my upcoming liquid diet, they call to check on me, they make me protein nuggets. I mean c’mon. That’s not work. That’s love.

My collegiate soccer career sure hasn’t turned out to be exactly what I had wanted or imagined or wished for as a freshman coming into Berry. I’ve been in a boot twice, on crutches a few times, a few strained muscles, and one more knee surgery. But I’ve also learned that at this point in the game, that’s not uncommon. I’ve played soccer about 17 years now and after that long of pounding on my body, it’s tired. I use my time in the offseason to recover from the season and I use a lot of my time doing preventative therapy going into the season, and during season I do therapy to help maintain and prevent. Instead of continually trying to get better, I’m just trying not to get worse. So my first couple seasons were rough and this year there was really only one difference. That being that my teammates weren’t just my best friends, but they were my family. Despite how frustrating or misguiding the coaches can be, despite any bad game or bad practice, my team was still a team that actually treated each other like we really love each other.. even if we didn’t necessarily like each other. Something that I’ve learned not just from my experience being a collegiate athlete, but my friends and teammates as well is, it’s really hard to keep faith during competition. It’s hard to be so in love with a game, a game that you’ve sacrificed so much of yourself and your life for, a game that you gave all of your time and passion to, but to have all of those things mean a little less to the new people and coaches who now control your game. It’s hard to realize how much studying you could’ve done, how much more sleep you could’ve gotten, the friends you could’ve made, and it’s hard to feel like you don’t love this game that has been your whole life. But what I’ve learned this season is that I’ve always thought my coaches controlled my destiny with soccer, that they somehow controlled my love and passion for the game. Non of which is true. I control how I see myself with soccer and I control what soccer means to me and this beautiful game is so much more then four years of misgivings and misguidance. This game has been a whole story for me and the people in it mean so much more than any frustrating meeting or one game. The joy I get when I touch the ball, the feeling I get when I get to work on ball skills or strike the ball in that sweet spot, no coach can take that away from me. No one can take away from my coaches at Berry really being “Mom and Dad” and no one can take away all the girls from the past 17 years who are now my sisters and absolutely no one can take away from the joy that the most beautiful game in the world brings me.

My fourth job is actually off campus at Rome First United Methodist Church as a youth intern. It’s this beautiful, old church in downtown Rome. This is the job that I accepted just before going back to Berry and the job that made me so excited for this semester and so scared all at the same time. Looking back now, I don’t think I’d be so on fire with God’s love or so full of life right now if I didn’t take this job. I didn’t even know about the job, but a girl who I went to Lighthouse with told me about it and told me to apply so I did and it might honestly be one of the best things I’ve done at Berry. Being with these middle and high schoolers a couple times a week.. It’s refreshing and renewing. They have this whole perspective of life and faith and Christianity and God that I think is actually so vital that as we get older we tend to lose as we get encompassed by our materials and hormones and fitting in and competition. I’ve found myself as the semester has gone on, if I get frustrated or upset or stressed about something, I ask myself what my youth would say. Or I think about what I would tell my youth if they were in my position. Because as complex and complicated as faith and religion is, we make it so much more difficult than it needs to be. At the end of the day, God loves each and every one of us despite our many flaws and mistakes. At the end of the day, He is with each and every one of us despite how much we try to push Him away. At the end of the day, I know that my life is better, my life makes more sense, and I am a better and happier person when I accept God into my heart and into my life and pursue a relationship with Him and relationships with people who lead me to Him. Somehow my youth taught me that without even knowing it. I think a problem that adults have with their faith is being comfortable. We like where we are so we just sit with God there, don’t make anything complicated or difficult. What I love about these kids is how much they want to know Jesus. My boss gave them an opportunity one night to write out two questions that they had and the other intern and I got an opportunity to see what they wrote and here’s what a couple said (somewhat summed up):

Why do bad things happen to good people?

If God creates us, and He could create us perfectly, then why doesn’t He?

I just want to know more about Jesus.

That last one broke my heart. I LOVE that I get to be with these kids and I love that I don’t have to act like I have all of the answers because I don’t. I came in thinking I was the worst person for the job. I went in questioning how I could go in and help these kids in their life and how I could talk to them about Jesus when I so recently got to know Him. And now, I think I’m great for the job because I’m not going to tell them that they’re going to hell if they sin. I’m not going to judge them like I was for so many years at the churches that I tried out. I’m not going to tell them that anyone is better than them or they are better than anyone else because they are a Christian. I’m going to tell them and show them to love every one with open arms. I’m going to tell them and show them that every one sins and that no sin is greater than another. I’m going to tell them and show them all I can and tell them they’re awesome because they are, tell them they’re loved because they are and always will be, tell them that they’ll one day question their faith because they will, tell them that it’s okay to question and doubt because I know they’ll feel guilty, tell them that if they’re searching for God, for answers, for Something (with a capital S), that they’re on the right track.

Somehow I did all of this. Somehow I have gotten through a really rough heartbreak, somehow I’ve dealt with an all too familiar skin cancer scare with my mom, somehow I got through this season with my Mom and Dad (coaches) and all my sisters, somehow I’ve made the best of friends who bring me joy and bring me God, somehow I’ve managed to get on the Dean’s List, somehow I’ve managed to get blessed with the four best jobs with the best bosses and clients and coworkers in the world, somehow I’ve made a million mistakes, and somehow I ended this semester happier than I’ve ever been.

A couple months ago a man who works with JDRF (Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation) called me and talked to me about opportunities I had through JDRF to get more involved. I check the JDRF website probably once a month to see if anything new has come up, but it was nice to really talk it out and understand what all the links online meant. After I talked with him, I went on the website to make sure I could navigate it a little better and get to the places that I was interested in and the hashtag, #T1DLOOKSLIKEME was all over the site.

Some of you may not know, but November is National Diabetes Awareness Month. JDRF uses the hashtag, #T1DLOOKSLIKEME, as a statement that Diabetes doesn’t look the same. Not all diabetics look the same, and not all Type 1 diabetics look the same.

When I was in the hospital just 4 1/2 years ago getting diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes, it seemed like because I all of a sudden found out I had this auto immune disease that I wasn’t who I thought I was that I somehow was someone else. And I think a lot of people, especially people who are diagnosed later in life, go through that same feeling.

Type 1 Diabetes takes a lot of work, a lot more work than I ever would have imagined that’s for sure. It takes so much work that I think when some people are going through those feelings of not knowing who they are anymore and they now have to really know their body and introduce themselves to themselves, they get overshadowed and they let their type 1 diabetes control them. They are no longer Hannah or Ben or Sarah or Jake or whatever their name is. They are Type 1 Diabetics. They are the finger pricks and they are the high blood sugars and they are the low blood sugars and that’s just who they are, they are Type 1 Diabetes instead of being Sarah and Sarah just happens to have Type 1 Diabetes.

At first, it’s so overwhelming and it’s so easy to let Diabetes control your life. But I feel really lucky that I realized that I’m more than just a Type 1 Diabetic. I’m a student at a great school, Berry College, where I’m also a collegiate athlete on the soccer team and I’m a personal trainer and I’m a nutrition specialist and I’m a Cage Center Supervisor and a Youth Intern at a wonderful and loving church. I’m a girl that loves to love and loves to laugh and a girl that has struggled with her faith but knows that God loves her and most of all, I’m a girl that’s still figuring out who she is.

This November, I hope all of you take some time to learn about diabetes, to accept people with diabetes and that they all don’t look the same, and to see what all Type 1 Diabetes can do in this world. Because when #T1DLOOKSLIKEME and Type 1 Diabetes looks like you and your friend and the stranger on the street, we can find not only a cure, but beauty in it all.

                This past weekend I got the amazing opportunity to travel to California with my soccer team to play a couple schools and explore some of the West. While we were out there, we rode in two 12-person vans that were packed with 22 people, all of our book bags, all of our soccer stuff, and all of our usual necessities… tight quarters. I got the chance to sit by one of my fellow Juniors whom I have recently grown into a pretty close relationship with and it’s a type of relationship that I’ve been looking for: One that’s grown and founded on the basis of Jesus and different passions of ours. We had been talking in the van about how the cultures out west were different than those in the southeast and my teammate I was sitting with had expressed how much the environment looked like those in Mexico that she had gone to. She also knows some Spanish and had been designated as our interpreter if needed for the Spanish music station, and we were talking a little about her trip to Mexico and she leaned to me and said how on that trip she realized that God doesn’t just speak English. I had to kind of take a step back myself and really soak in what she had just said because I had never thought of it that way. God doesn’t just speak English, God speaks all languages. God isn’t American, but He is of all nationalities. And it’s not that I necessarily thought that God just speaks English or I thought of God as an American, I just made that connection between myself and Him to make Him seem more like me and closer to me when in reality, He is so much more.

                I thought about what my teammate had said all night and all during our first flight as we flew from San Jose to Denver for our connecting flight to Atlanta, and I looked out the window and saw all these houses, all these farms, all these cars, all these cities… full of people that I don’t know. Whose stories I don’t know, whose names I don’t know, and most likely which I’ll never know. And it hit me that I have no idea how God has touched their lives. I have no idea how God has worked in and through all the people who I’ve flown over in the past four days. Not only that, but I know God IS working in and through those people… the same God that I’m worshipping and praising in Georgia, the same God that’s working in and through me in Rome, Georgia, is working in and through Sally Mae in Colorado or Mary Lou in Nevada.

                Because no matter how big I think God is, He is always going to be bigger. No matter how good or loving or perfect I think He is, He is always more than I can even imagine. God isn’t just in America, He is in all nations, all seas, in all people whether we see it or not. God isn’t just in Georgia or Alabama or California, He’s currently, RIGHT NOW THIS SECOND, working in every inch of every city, every state, every nation, every sea!!! God doesn’t just speak English, He speaks all languages because He is in all people and is with all people. And I just think that is the most amazing thing ever.

On this day four years ago, I had finally convinced my mom to take me back to the doctor to see why I was still sick after being treated for mono all summer. On this day four years ago, I saw a doctor whose name I didn’t know, and she turned my world completely upside down.

I can still feel how cold the room was, I can picture the busy streets of Alabaster hustling along outside the window, I can remember how I felt. I can remember a few days before getting yelled at by my dad because he was so astonished to how much weight I had lost in just a matter of days since I had seen him last. I can remember the amount of arguments I got in with my mom because she thought (understandably) I felt so badly because I was out all the time and not getting enough sleep. I can still remember how hungry I felt everyday, the packs of four sandwiches and an abundance of snacks for lunch at school.  I can remember what it felt like to try to get through soccer practice everyday. I can remember wanting to get better, but never being able to do so.

I can remember being scared I’d never be able to eat carbs again and asking the doctor if I could eat a baked potato before going to the hospital in fear that it’d be my last. I can remember the doctor coming in and saying she had bad news and didn’t know exactly how to say it. I remember thinking how incredibly lucky my mom and I were that we saw this doctor that we didn’t really know, but had a Type 1 Diabetic son, so she was the first to even think about testing me for it.

For me, it didn’t make sense to be diabetic. To most people, I’m not overweight and I’m not sedentary. But for those who know the difference between type 1 and type 2 diabetes, I wasn’t diagnosed as a child and no one in my family has it. So of course no doctor ever thought to test me because it didn’t make sense.

I can remember calling in work to tell them that I’d be late because I had to go to the doctor. I remember calling them a couple hours later saying I wouldn’t make it in that day because I had to get to the hospital.

I can remember the walk from the car to the hospital, my mom frantic asking me to hurry because she was scared, and myself feeling like if I could just make it a few more steps… I would feel better. If I could just walk a couple more times, I would get help.

I can remember being in ICU, somewhat, this is the time I remember the least because I was passed out most of the time. I do remember waking up at one point, the nurse was about to give me Lantus, the long lasting insulin that’s injected once a day by needle, and asked if I wanted to do it. I remember thinking she was crazy for even asking, I mean who the heck would want to stab themselves with a needle?! I remember her explaining that I might as well do it now because soon I’d have to do it all the time.

I remember finally being admitted into my own room, having training sessions about how to be a good diabetic. I can remember the lady yelling at me because I had counted my carbs to eat the mac n cheese, but it was nasty (hospital food, the normal) so I didn’t want to eat it. I remember my parents spending an immense amount of time trying to explain to the nutritionist that I would need more than 15 carbs a meal to be able to do the type of training I was doing. I remember the social worker going on about all the different situations I’d be in now, legally, academically, emotionally. I remember all of them telling me that I wasn’t any different, that I could do anything I wanted.

And I remember thinking every single time that they had just listed off more things that I couldn’t do, more reasons I wasn’t normal. I wasn’t 6, I was 16, I wasn’t buying their bull crap. I remember my parents being in my room, thinking I was asleep, talking about little things that I couldn’t do like where tight shirts or skirts, I’d have to be so picky about my clothes. I remember sitting in the education room so overwhelmed by how much my life had just changed, going in my room, and crying in my moms arms. I remember a nurse coming in at that point asking if there was anything I wanted, and brought me what I did: Chicken fingers.

I can remember hearing my mom crying, thinking I was asleep, blaming herself for how bad it had gotten, thinking it was her fault, thinking she was a bad mom.

I can remember hating God. I can remember thinking God hated me.

I can remember just wanting to numb the pain.

I can remember wanting to take control of the pain. I can remember not wanting to hurt because of something I couldn’t control, but trying to cause myself pain to feel like I was in charge of my body and the pain I felt.

I can remember being able to finally go home and piling up all the books, supplies, manuals, notes, and everything else from the hospital and just staring at it on the kitchen table.

I can remember eating the exact same thing for breakfast everyday for the next year.

I can remember the hospital being to stingy about my insulin, causing me to continue to produce ketones and have elevated blood sugars that weren’t my fault. I remember missing weeks on end of school the second semester of my Junior year because my blood sugars were so high I couldn’t make it through the day. I remember being in class, staring at the boars as my teacher wrote our notes, not being able to absorb a single thing.

I remember getting sick the first time, having to go to the hospital, and them taking me back immediately. I remember feeling guilty for going before all the other kids in the waiting room.

I can remember all those things I felt those first couple years. The anger, the frustration, the betrayal, the pain, the confusion. I can remember all the things I wish I hadn’t of done because of feeling those ways, and I can remember not wanting to do it anymore. Any of it. All of it.

I can remember so much about four years ago, and the four years leading up to now. I can remember the good, the bad, the things I’ve cherished and held on to, and the things I’ve tried to forget.

But I know that at this point next year, I’ll be able to sit back and remember now. I’ll be able to remember changing the rules at Tuscaloosa Amphitheater thanks to my mom. I’ll be able to remember that I was still able to go on to play soccer at the collegiate level. I’ll be able to remember that I’ve been in two clinical trials thanks to my doctors and thanks to myself for controlling my glucose levels. I’ll be able to remember that at this point this year, my A1C was 6.4 (that’s really good by the way). I’ll be able to look back and remember how far I’ve come in my relationship with God, my mom, my dad, and myself. I’ll be able to remember that I didn’t just make it four years, but I made it four years really well.

Special thanks to my mom, my dad, my step dad, and all the ones that God has graced me with in this life… You’re a wonderful motivation to want to continue to do this life with and do it well.

One year ago today, I went before my little church in Montevallo, Alabama and committed my life to bettering my relationship with God. I got baptized and chose to go up in front of the congregation and tell them my testimony. I remember after being dipped in the pool of water and putting some dry clothes on, standing in the back room waiting for my que to go to the podium and recite my story to this group of people who have been there through my entire life and thinking, “But this is all going to change.”

I talked to both my pastor and the assistant chaplain at Berry about this because I knew that one day I wouldn’t feel so confident in my relationship with God. I knew that one day I would question God’s love and intent for me. I knew one day I would question my future and one day I would feel all alone.

And I was right.

Just because I got baptized doesn’t mean that I haven’t questioned God, it doesn’t mean that there haven’t been times I’ve laid in bed crying because I felt no one understood. It doesn’t mean that after I got my final grade in chemistry that I didn’t question my entire life and if I had ruined it all.

But I can tell you what I do have now is a group of people that God has blessed me with and resources to go back to His word to come out of those things. In the past year, I’ve had people placed in my life that I never would’ve imagined before and they lead me to God instead of away from Him.

One of these people is Berry College’s assistant chaplain, Erin Moniz. “Thank you, God for Erin,” I can’t tell you how many times a day I say that phrase in my head. I’ve told Erin all about my struggles and my doubts, my questions and my fears. You see, what I’ve learned is that for a good relationship with anybody, it’s important to be open and honest, whether with a friend or with God.

As many of you know, I found my faith at Lighthouse Family Retreat last summer, and this summer I had the pleasure of going back. I rode with Erin and her husband, Mike, and a couple girls from Lighthouse this year, and through the conversations on the round trip, I realized that I had a whole new testimony. A year had gone by and I had a whole new testimony that I could share with people.

There was one time that I was talking with Erin, about what exactly, I don’t remember, but I do remember her response. “You know, Hannah, I don’t really like Christians… And I don’t really like church either.” And it wasn’t that I loved her response because I actually hate Christianity and I hate going to church, I just dislike and disagree with what Christianity and church has come to be.

I just think that we spend so much time labeling others and picking out what they’re doing wrong rather than looking at ourselves and finding where we could be doing better. We focus so much on other’s religions and other’s sexual orientation, we focus on premarital sex and political parties.

In one of Pastor Daniel’s sermons this summer he ended by asking us if we could see the face of God in our enemies, and I think that’s where we really get troubled. Can I see the face of God in my classmate who’s a Trump supporter? Can I see the face of God in my Muslim neighbor? Can I see the face of God in the black man walking down the street? What about the Hispanic at the store that could be here illegally? We were all created lovingly by God, so who are we to say that anyone is any less than ourselves? Based on our own judgement? Because at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what you think about anybody, it’s about their relationship with God, and if God loves them, why not me too?

I think that’s why I fell in love with Lighthouse. Because it doesn’t matter where the family came from or their religious background, it’s all about just loving them to our very best. And not serving them for personal recognition, not to go around and say, “I’m doing it because I’m a Christian,” or for approval from God even. People see God’s love through our serving there. At Lighthouse, you don’t have to push God on the families because they ask why we do what we do. They ask what it is about the family partners that drives them to serve, and that creates a path leading to God.

If I’ve learned anything about God or my faith or Christianity in the past year, it’s that it’s all about relationships. It’s about the relationships you make with the people around you, how you treat them despite how they treat you. It’s about the relationship you have with God. And just like any relationship with any person, it’s important to be honest with God, communicate with God, not just about what you need, but it’s so awesome to let Him be your best friend. It’s just as important to tell Him that you’re angry with Him as it is to praise Him.

The best advice I got this year was from Erin, and I think it’s something a lot of people could hear about now. It went something like this:

“If you follow just two things in the Bible to lead your life, just focus on those two things, you will stay busy bettering your faith. One, love God, and two, love your neighbor. You do those two things and you will live a long, full, life and you will never be perfect with it. It will always keep you challenged, but it will always make you better.”

I’m not trying to say this like this year has just been a breeze all because I accepted God into my life. This year has actually been a giant rollercoaster. There’s been a lot of loss and grief, a lot of heartbreak, and a lot of questions and doubts. But through every trial, I’ve found my way back to my faith and I think that’s an accomplishment in of itself. Through every trial and obstacle I’ve found myself in the arms of someone who shows me God’s love in their actions.

Cheers to 365 days, but here’s a toast to a lifetime.

Once or twice a week, I get the pleasure of going and talking to Berry’s assistant Chaplain, and this week when I got there she asked what I had been struggling with the most. So I told her that I get so conflicted in my own mind by how I feel but what I know contradicts the feelings I have, so I don’t really know where to go from there. I told her how I’ve been putting more emphasis on prayer and how close I feel with God, so what do I do with my anxieties, worries, and fears? Am I a “bad Christian” for still feeling that way?

It’s hard because it seems so human to worry, to be anxious, to be fearful. Those feelings come so naturally, and I don’t think there’s any way around them, but that doesn’t mean we have to cower or let those feelings control us and/or our lives.

Erin told me to open up to Mathew 6:25-34…

“Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will wear. Is life not more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds in the sky. They don’t sow seed or harvest grain or gather crops into barns. Yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Aren’t you worth much more than they are? Who among you by worrying can add a single moment to your life? And why do you worry about clothes? Notice how the lilies in the field grow. They don’t wear themselves out with work, and they don’t spin cloth. But I say to you that even Solomon in all of his splendor wasn’t dressed like one of these. If God dresses grass in the field so beautifully, even though it’s alive today and tomorrow it’s thrown into the furnace, won’t God do much more for you, you people of weak faith? Therefore, don’t worry and say, ‘What are we going to eat?’ or ‘What are we going to drink?’ or ‘What are we going to wear?’ Gentiles long for all these things. Your heavenly Father knows that you need them. Instead, desire first and foremost God’s kingdom and God’s righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, stop worrying about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it’s own.”

So I’m going to be like the high school English/Literature teachers that we’ve all had who go through a passage and take different lines and analyze them. (Special thanks to Mrs. Lamar and Mrs. Brown for teaching me how to do so, as if I don’t overthink enough)

So I began to read the first lines of the verse to Erin on Friday afternoon, and I’m sitting there thinking, “Oh great, God tells me not to worry about my life, like it’s that easy.” But of course I’m a mere human who is doubtful and God is perfect in what He says and does. So I get to the line, “Is life not more than food, and the body more than clothing?”

Crap.

So here comes God and His wisdom completely turning around all doubt I have. Of course life is more than food and the body is more than clothing. Life is about joy, beauty, serenity, and so many other things. The body is about being human, making mistakes, feeling and expressing emotions, whether they be good or bad.

My favorite part about this passage is the use of nature after that sentence. So it’s like God saying “Is life not more than food, and the body more than clothing?” Because look at the beautiful lilies over there in the field or those birds up in the sky! Here are some magnificent creatures and things on this planet that aren’t worried about food or water or clothing and THEY ARE STILL BEAUTIFUL. And God asks, “Aren’t you worth much more than they are?” and that’s each of our own question to answer. But I’ll tell you that you wouldn’t be here if God didn’t want you to be, and that’s worth a whole lot. Those lilies, and those birds, they aren’t able to go spread the Love of God or the good news of Jesus, they just are. They are just lilies. They are just birds. I am just Hannah, a human being. God provides for them as He will provide for me and you and the person next to you. We just need to be, and we need to trust, and we need to love.

“Who among you by worrying can add a single moment to your life?”

Not a single person, that’s who. I can worry about my chemistry exam, or my relationship, or playing time all I want, but it’s all God’s plan in the end. My life is in His hands, and despite any worry, anxiety, or fear I have, I’m not going to make my life any longer or really any better.

“Your heavenly Father knows that you need them.”

God knows everything, the things we tell Him, the things we don’t tell Him, and the things we don’t want Him to know. God knows what we need better than we know. And sometimes what we need is not what we want, it could be the polar opposite actually, but God does know what He is doing. It’s hard, but we have to accept that even if something is painful or hard, doesn’t mean it’s wrong. For example, a relationship ending is heartbreaking and it’s really tough to get through, but that’s just one door closing, and we have no idea when God is going to open up another door that’s actually better for us. So things may be hard right now, and they may be hard for a long time, but it won’t always be that way because better things are coming.

“Instead, desire first and foremost God’s kingdom and God’s righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”

Personally, I take this as trusting God and believing that He has control of our lives and has a plan for us that is far better than any plan we could think of for ourselves. If we seek God first, if we put Him above all else, He provides for us. If we seek God before all else, we realize how tiny our problems are, we see that all the closed doors are also better doors being opened. Relationships are built on trust and as scary as it is, if we trust God, we can know that He is there with us through the hard, sucky times, and we can know that amazing, joyful times are coming.

“Therefore, stop worrying about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it’s own.”

Like I said before, I think it’s human to worry, to have anxieties, and to be fearful, and I believe that God recognizes all those things because He knows us better than we know ourselves. So the ending of this passage shows us that it’s okay to worry and be anxious every single day. And every single day we are going to have new things to worry about, but it’s all about knowing that despite our worries and anxieties, we still have a perfect and loving God.

So you might be having a bad day today, and you know, tomorrow might be even worse, but we have a God who says it’s okay. We have a God who says to trust in Him and follow Him and He will give us what we need.

I wake up every morning, stressed about at least one assignment or test, I worry about soccer and my relationships, and even though I’m worried, I know that no matter what happens, I will be okay because I trust in God and I know He loves me. Whatever happens might be painful at the time, but I trust that another door will open that will be even better than I can imagine.

I guess my point is that I think a lot of us see ours worries and our faith as separate. Like it’s an either/or situation, but it’s a both/and situation. It’s not, “I can be worried OR I can trust in God,” it’s, “I’m worried about all these things in my life, AND I trust in God.” So be worried today and tomorrow and in a year from now, but know that God has your back and will always be there for you and will love you through everything.

This semester has been a hard one in a lot of ways.

I’ve learned that recovering from any knee injury never gets easier. I’ve learned that Chemistry is the bane of my existence. I’ve learned that internal conflict creates external conflict.

The good news is this: I’ve made a lot of mistakes. But I’ve learned from them. I’ve questioned myself and God, but He has shown me light in a miraculous amount of time.

I’ve struggled with myself all semester, getting upset with people and situations and knowing deep down I shouldn’t be upset or that I wouldn’t usually be upset, but then I was more upset because I was upset. Pretty confusing, huh? I would get upset about something small and know that what I was really upset about wasn’t that small thing at all, but I didn’t know what it really was.

The past 72 hours has been a whirlwind. I’ve been hurt, I’ve cried, I’ve opened up and told people my story, but I’ve also been renewed and blessed and grateful and loved.

When kids are growing up, they look to their parents for the approval or disapproval of their actions. Kids learn that they’ll either get praised or punished for their actions. So like most kids, I went through the same thing, but things changed a little when my family had to go through the black hole of divorce. Everyone was upset, everyone was acting pretty crazy, and nothing was stable. So as an elementary school kid, I saw myself as our stone, as the glue to hold things together. Without realizing it, I grew into the idea that as long as my parents were happy with me, I was happy with me. And before I knew it, I drew a line with my parents’ happiness with me and my self worth and value.

So at the beginning of the semester, I wasn’t getting praise or punishment. I wasn’t really getting anything to link my self-worth and value to. So it started to fall and without realizing it, I began to try to find that worth and value elsewhere.

And within the last 72 hours, I went through heart break and denial and frustration and confusion all to find myself even more. I’ve realized my parents do and always have loved me no matter the mistakes I’ve made or things I’ve accomplished. I don’t have to work for their love or approval because it’s always been there and always will be.

I know that I’m not totally crazy and that at some point we all have to come to terms with our hardships and we all have to deal with the things we don’t want to face. We all go through things that are degrading and hurtful and we question God, we question ourselves and our purpose.

So let me tell you this: I thought my purpose was to be glue. To be a rock. To keep my family afloat. And maybe that isn’t wrong, but it isn’t all right either. Maybe we don’t have just one purpose in the world, maybe we have hundreds or thousands. Maybe our purpose is to smile and say hi to the stranger walking down the street and to make their day because someone actually noticed them. Or maybe our purpose is to change the world in some incredible way. But the one thing I know for certain is that the God who created this crazy and mysterious world, who created the moon and the stars in the sky, who created the sunrise and sunset, who created all these beautiful things, also created you and me. He created us for some reason or reasons. He created us for this life to live, knowing that we would make mistakes and cause pain and be in pain.

Our self worth doesn’t come from people, it comes from God. And God wants you and me and the kid that sits behind you here on this Earth. We are all so loved whether we see it all or feel it all the time. Who cares if you make a bad grade or don’t have the best game of your life? You’re still here and God wants you here and He loves you and that’s pretty amazing.

As I type this post, I’m sitting on the front porch of a beach house that my friends and I have rented for Spring Break on Tybee Island. There are these two white, old-fashioned lifeguard chairs on the porch that I’ve come to love. Sitting here allows me to see just over the house across the street and see the sun setting across the island.

The older I’ve gotten the more I’ve grown to love sunsets. There was even one night after practice that the sun was setting and it was giving the world this spectacular view to look at, so my roommate just automatically started driving so that I could get a picture, even though we knew we would miss dinner in the dining hall.

When the sun is setting, it’s a time of relaxation. People aren’t going downtown, people aren’t rushing around quite as much, it’s a time to take a deep breath and reflect a little bit. There’s just something so innocent and natural, yet magnificent and magical about a sunset that no matter how bright or colorful it leaves me thinking, “how could someone be looking at this and not believe in a God?”

For me, I see a sunset and I see another day ending, whether good or bad, and I see the hope for a better tomorrow. I see time moving, from the blue sky to the colors of the sunset, to the dark of the night, I see that I do not control time no matter how much I want to, but time controls me. I see the good memories from the day or replay the good memories form the past. I see my brother and sleeping in boxes when we were little because it was something of an adventure. I see scoring my first soccer goal and I see the car ride where I first remember my dad telling me he was proud of how I played that day. I see my mom and I dancing in the kitchen to the Dixie Chicks and I see my club team winning state. I see my whole senior high school season and I see my two best friends who have gotten me through life. I see my church family who has helped me grow and learn to let God love me and I see the day I decided to go to Berry College. I see all these beautiful things that to this day make me happier than anything in the world, and it comes so naturally. It’s an instant thought, it’s almost like a message from God saying, “This is why.”

Last night we were driving across the bridge in Tybee to go get a couple groceries for dinner through the week, and I promise there was one of the most beautiful sunsets I’ve ever seen. And for the first time, I didn’t think about all those memories. I thought about my bible study discussion this past week. Ever since I got diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes, I’ve never believed in God’s plan. I didn’t believe that a God who was so loving and forgiving would give me a disease that I couldn’t prevent, or a God that was so good would give an infant cancer who hadn’t even seen how beautiful His world is yet. But in bible study, we’re reading this book, “When Life and Beliefs Collide,” and the author started talking about God’s plan, but it was in context of a tragedy. The super awesome lady who runs our study talked with us about what the author was trying to get across, and it really changed my whole view on God’s plan.

God is Love. God is Good. But if we knew no tragedy, would we still believe these things? If we felt no pain and saw no despair, would we see God’s work in our lives or in other’s lives?

Maybe God does have a plan. Maybe that plan includes tragedy and pain and despair and all the things that we hate to associate with a perfect, loving God. We don’t want to think that the one thing in our lives who we believe to be so good and so perfect is the one bringing on our pain and suffering.

But when you’ve faced trials and you’ve faced hardships, in the end, haven’t you been drawn closer to God?

If not, maybe you’re not at the end. Maybe we face these trials and struggles as a way to become closer with God. Maybe it’s a way to be a step closer with our Heavenly Father.

So as I look at the sunset tonight, fading away as the stars become brighter and this day comes to a close, I see something better than all those memories. I see pain and suffering and trials and despair and tears and obstacles. But I see God’s plan, even if it’s not every detail. I see all those hardships, but I see God with me the whole way.

If you have time tonight or tomorrow, I encourage you to go watch the sunset, take a deep breathe, and see what beauty God has left at the end of every day for us.

This semester, I decided to take an intro level Sociology class. Growing up with my dad as a sociology professor made me think I would enjoy it, as I enjoyed his conversations and his views on culture and people around the world. I was wrong, very, very wrong. Sociology is my least favorite class this Fall, but today my teacher actually grabbed my attention. Both in sociology and social psych, we have been talking about “the self.” So my professor begins lecturing and I was trying to pay attention, and she asked, “Who am I?” She answered her own question and I once again lost all interest.

But her question lingered in my head, and it still is now.

Who am I?

When my professor answered her question she said “I am a professor. I am a sociologist…” And she went on to say she was these things that labeled her. But I wonder who you really are, professor? This is my whole problem with this class. My professor likes to tell us these statistics about people and how stats differ among cultures, but we never talk about why. What factors go into these stats. Why the stats are so. So I wonder, why is my professor a professor? Why is my professor a sociologist?

We are more than what we are labeled as.

I am a soccer player. I am a student. I am a personal trainer. I am so many different things, we all are.

I am a soccer player. But I am not my pass. I am not my shot. I am not my mile and a half time. I am a soccer player, and the type of player I am is not defined by a pass or a shot, but who I am as a soccer player is defined by my passion, my determination, my vision.

I am a student. But I am not a passing grade or a failing grade. I am not this sociology class. I am not even a student because I am enrolled at Berry College. I am a student because I love to learn. I am a student because of what my goals and dreams are. I am a student because despite the bad grades that come, I am smart.

I am a person. I am not just a soccer player. I am not just a student. I am not just one thing or a couple things or all of the things I do combined. I am a person who is a lot of different feelings and emotions and dreams and goals on different days at different times.

I wonder, professor, are you standing in front of me because of your passion of sociology, your passion to teach? I wonder if you have found who you really are, professor? I don’t think these people we talk about in class are the statistics that we label them as. I don’t think you are just a sociologist or a professor.

I just think we are so much more than we make ourselves and others out to be. We are not these labels, we are not our social status or our jobs. It’s just so easy to get caught up in what we are labeled as, a doctor, or a secretary, or a mom, or a friend. Do something because of your passions and your desires, not always because, “Oh, I’m a _____” There are so many options and opportunities in life to go and chase dreams or find new ones.

Who am I? I don’t know who I am, and I don’t know if I ever will. But maybe that’s what the adventure is about. Maybe we are the adventure.

One thing that I’ve learned in the past couple years as I’ve gotten glimpses of “the real world” and what it’s like to become an adult, is that decision making is different as we mature and age. By that I mean, we no longer just pick the restaurant we want to eat at, you need to start thinking about a place that everyone you are with will want to eat at. Obviously, it gets more complex than selecting a meal venue, but that’s almost my point.

As we get older, it’s just not okay to make all these decisions based on just ourselves and just think about how we are individually going to be affected. There are so many elements to so many decisions that we make, ya know? Like I truly believe that you need to think about how this decision is going to affect you in 2 weeks, or 6 months, or next year, but you also need to remember this element of your life that you’re changing. If something has been so good for so long, and something better seems to be presenting itself for now, shouldn’t you think about how good you’ve had it? Shouldn’t you think about how switching to this better thing might not be better in the long run? Should we think about what we could be missing out on?

Of course, I don’t mean it’s bad to go on a spontaneous date, or take a random road trip, or just go play in the rain. But I just think I’m at the age now, and the people I grew up with are at the age now, where so many of our decisions affect others, especially others we love. I’m all for calling someone up and asking if they want to go a couple hours away to check out something new or go to our favorite place. But I’ve been amazed recently at how little I feel my generation thinks. You aren’t always going to get that thing back. You aren’t always going to get a second chance. You might not be able to go get that job back or get back into that school. Or oppositely, if you don’t call him/her back, you might miss out on love or a forever friendship.

So let’s say there’s this guy who is really into this girl, they’ve spent a lot of time together, and she might be someone he could see himself being with forever. Maybe she’s moving far away, as in to a different state or a different country. So what do you do, do you follow her or do you stay and hope you find someone better or just as good? THAT’S A BIG DECISION. And it doesn’t just affect this guy, it affects his family, his friends, and especially this girl. Like tis isn’t something that just comes up one day and the next we just decide oh I’m gonna stay here or oh  I’m just gonna move across the world. We have decisions where we have to look at the pros and the cons. We have to look at how this would affect this girl either way, or friends and family either way and really think about it. What’s worth risking?

So I guess what I’m trying to say is as we get older our decisions aren’t just which ice cream we want from the ice cream man today. Our decisions don’t just affect us individually and they don’t just affect us in that moment. If you’re put into a situation with someone, you’ve got to think about how this person is being affected too. You can’t just decide one day that you’re gonna leave someone or something and assume they’ll be there for you later. You can’t just assume someone else is doing well with the same hard situation you’re in. It’s not okay to make a decision that’s going to directly affect someone without talking to them. We all reach an age where there’s a line of decision making.  I love spontaneity and I love just waking up and making last minute plans, but there’s more to it than that sometimes. So just think.