OrdinarilyDifferent

Last Sunday, I got baptized in my little church in Montevallo, Alabama and I also gave this testimony. Many people have asked what I said or asked for me to send it to them, and I wanted to share it with those of you who weren’t able to make it.

“Most of you here know me, but for those of you who don’t, my name is Hannah Parker and I grew up on that hill right over there on Cherokee Street. I grew up in this church, coming every Sunday and Wednesday with my family, and singing “Away in a Manger” every Christmas Eve with my Dad. When my parents got divorced when I was almost 8, I was the only one who continued to come here for a long time. Eventually, I stopped too because my schedule was packed, I didn’t live in Montevallo anymore, and I was going with my mom looking at about every other church in the Birmingham area. I didn’t know what I believed in, I had no reason to not believe in God, but I felt that I didn’t have a reason to believe either. I wasn’t one of those kids who sat in Sunday School, got taught a lesson, and believed it. I have recently discovered that I’m the kind of person who needs a reason, even if not logical, it can be “just because I wanted to” but there has to be a reason to me. So I questioned what I was taught, and even if I didn’t know what I believed I knew it wasn’t what these other churches were preaching. I realized at an early age that going to church didn’t make you a Christian, just like sitting in a garage didn’t make you a car. The first time I felt I really knew something about my faith was when I was asking my dad how people could believe in creationism with no evidence but did not believe in evolution if it did have evidence. He went on to tell me how maybe there are stories in the bible that are true and actually happened, but maybe some are just stories… telling us how God wants our relationships to be with each other and with Him.

At 16, I got diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. I felt that I was being punished, that God hated me, and frankly I hated Him. I also tore my ACL that year which brought on more hatred because I felt I was getting punished even more, I couldn’t do what I loved. But also at 16, I would find myself driving here and sitting in the parking lot just letting the love of this place overcome me. One time, I was leaving my dad’s house, and I was overwhelmed with my life and I drove here before going back to my mom’s and I got out and the church door was unlocked. I just came and sat in this very room listening. Waiting for some miraculous thing to happen, for Jesus to come walking from the pool. Nothing happened, so I just broke down and cried. I yelled at God, Why was this happening to me? What did I ever do to deserve any of this? And I just stopped and looked around, remembering where everyone sat when I was younger, remembering forgetting the words to “Away in the Manger” and everyone cheering me on, remembering all of you. And I felt better, I felt loved and that’s what I needed at the time. I knew there were still people out there who believed in me and loved me and I wasn’t going to let them down even if I felt that God didn’t love me and God didn’t believe in me.

Graduating high school and going to the school of my dreams was probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. I felt free, and like I could just start all over on a clean slate. Last summer I started wanting to find God, figure out who He was. A few days into pre-season, I tore some ligaments in my ankle and was told I would be out all season. At this point in my life, I had come to terms with everything else that had happened and that I wasn’t being punished with my parents, my diabetes, or my ACL. But wow.. I missed my first college class cause I had to go to the doctor, it was hard to not be angry with God. I thought he was giving me a fresh start, but there I was starting the same routine as before. I had great teammates who supported me, but I also met this guy who turned it all upside down. I thought, “If there is a guy like him that really exists on this Earth, there must be a God.” We dated my whole freshman year, he opened my heart and I began to open my heart to God, letting him in as I had never done before.

So, a couple weeks ago, I was able to go on this retreat, the Lighthouse retreat a Christian organization, where me and 6 other classmates got to go work with families who have a child with childhood cancer. It was a 3 hour credit, it was at the beach, and it was volunteering, but I never thought it would change my life like it did. Every night, we had a theme for dinner, and on Tuesday we had a luau and towards the end, I got a phone call from that same boy and he broke up with me for his ex-girlfriend. Of course I cried, I felt destroyed. I walked on the beach with our assistant chaplin who went on the trip with us and we just talked, and I realized, I had more important things to put my time and energy into at the moment. So Wednesday night, we had REFUEL, a time when all the volunteers got together and we talked about anything cool that happened through the day, we would sing songs, and our host, Casey Darnell, would read us some scripture. After a few people shared some stories, Casey looked at all of us and said, “The hardest part about childhood cancer for us is, what does that tell us about God?” That question had been in my head for almost 10 years and it was about to get answered. My parents divorce and their court dates.. what did that tell my about God? Getting diabetes after years of soccer and eating healthy… What did that tell me about God? Tearing my ACL after doing all the weights and the training.. what did that tell me about God? This guy who helped bring me back to God leaving me for someone he thought was better.. What did that tell me about God? And he said, “It tells us that things happen. God doesn’t give kids cancer to punish them, or punish their parents. These kids get cancer and God is with them, in those trenches the whole way, loving them unconditionally.” So I’m crying, a couple others are crying, and Casey begins to play this song, “Forever Reign” and if you haven’t heard it, it talks about how God is love, God is grace, God is patience, God is good. And it hit me right then that for so long I hated God and I felt so alone and I felt He hated me, but in reality, HE LOVED ME the whole time! He never left my side. Those things didn’t happen because of him, those things just happened and he stood by me as I dealt with them. I knew by the end of the trip that I wanted to be baptized. I got home Saturday evening, woke up Sunday for church, and doubted everything, I shouldn’t get baptized, it wasn’t the right time.. the whole drive to church. Then I got here and under the song after the sermon, like now, it said “If you feel led to commit yourself to Christ and this church step forward and be welcomed by the pastor.” And I was like, alright God! I’m sorry! I’ll do it. So here I am.

I want to end by telling you that I got to the church early two Wednesday nights ago and I came in here to wait for choir to start, and it was a beautiful evening outside. I realized that night that all these things happened to me, but I have been blessed my entire life to be surrounded by the most amazing, most loving, most supportive people in the world..  So I thank you for never giving up on me, and loving me even when it wasn’t easy. And I now know that God will always love me, even when it’s not easy. It’s been a long, rigorous hike in finding God, but I commit to continue on this hike with Him and bettering my relationship with Him every day.”

Three years ago today, I went to the doctor with my mom, thinking my mono had relapsed. I didn’t get to see my normal doctor because we had called in too late, but I just wanted to know what was wrong, and even prove that I was actually sick and not just staying out too late every night. This new doctor did all the standard tests, came back in the room, her face looked grim, so there I was thinking, “I told you, mom! My mono is back and now I can’t train for another couple weeks.” But instead I heard, “You have type 1 diabetes, and you need to get to the hospital.” After a brief explanation and learning that her child has type 1 diabetes, I thought I would never be able to eat carbs again, so I asked if I could eat a baked potato before I went and she said yes only because it was too bad already. My mom filled my car with gas because she felt badly for not taking me to the doctor earlier (who would’ve thought I’d have diabetes though, it wasn’t her fault), we went home and packed, I ate my baked potato, and we headed to Children’s.

So a few weeks ago, I emailed the American Diabetes Association this long e-mail about differentiating between type 1 and type 2 diabetes. I also went on to tell them that I didn’t understand how they expected support for all these Acts, and legislation, and research if there wasn’t anyone out there advocating for what it’s like to have type 1 diabetes. I got a response from them later that day that said something along the lines of, “Thank you for contacting us. What is your question exactly?” So for those of you who might’ve recently been diagnosed, or those of you who would like to make a difference in peoples’ lives, I’m going to tell you what it’s like with Type 1 diabetes.

Let’s start with the hospital.

I am incredibly lucky to live so close to such a high quality hospital. I don’t remember a whole lot of the beginning of the experience in the hospital, but I know I spent a while in ICU. Once I was out and I was put in a normal overnight room, that’s when all the standard procedures started. While you’re in the hospital you have to meet with a nutritionist, a social worker, and an educator.

I remember the nutritionist being super nice and kind, but meeting with her was I think the only time my dad actually got upset while we were at the hospital. I was going through these sessions with a little boy who had just gotten diagnosed and his family, but he had a problem of sneaking pop-tarts apparently. My family and I sat there trying to explain to this lady that I needed more carbs than just a few per meal. She couldn’t wrap her head around how intensive my training for soccer was and continued to tell us that I should be eating by this particular meal plan and we all just knew it wasn’t enough.

The social worker was an older woman who I think spent too much time in the court rooms and suing people. She spent so long emphasizing to our parents the importance of making sure we get equal treatment, equal job opportunities, testing scenarios, etc. But the thing was, she and all of the hospital staff kept telling us that we would be normal. I was at the age where I could recognize if someone is saying that I need to stand up for my equal rights, I was not going to be normal.

The educator was also really nice, I think that must be a characteristic you have to have to work at Children’s. There was a day that we spent hours with her, getting our lunches delivered there and our dinners. It’s really confusing because she would keep repeating, “you’re going to have a normal life, you’re just like every other kid.” But then she would tell us that we would have to take shots for every meal, but they had to be three hours apart, and if anyone else took a shot of our insulin they would die, or if we didn’t give ourselves shots, we would die. What’s normal about that? At one point it was all so overwhelming, I told her I had to leave the room, and my mom followed, and I cried to her in our hospital room. My favorite nurse came in asking what I wanted, if there was anything she could do, and I said “I just want chicken fingers.” I was tired of getting yelled at cause I said I wanted macaroni and cheese but then it was gross so I didn’t want to eat it, but I was learning I had to. I went back to the educator’s room, and I got chicken fingers delivered to me… two packets of ketchup only though.

There was a theme as you go through the hospital. Every one there will tell you, “You can do anything anyone else can do. You’re just like everyone else.” But this is a lie, unfortunately. After they tell you that, they’ll tell you how a different way your life is changing.

How Type 1 Diabetes Affects you Mentally.

There are many type 1 diabetics who were diagnosed and they were able to tell the doctors that there is a family history, so it makes sense. Then there’s type 1 diabetics with no family history and they’re diagnosed knowing nothing. I don’t know what it’s like to be diagnosed and have a slight understanding of what was going to happen. But when you get diagnosed and you don’t even know what diabetes is, it just doesn’t make sense. It’s hard to sit there and wonder why you were the one who got it if no one else in your family has it. I recently met an 11 year old girl who was diagnosed at an early age, and she was so embarrassed that her parents had to tell me she was diabetic. At that age, everything is embarrassing so can you imagine having to take out a needle during lunch in the cafeteria of school and having to give yourself a shot? Or having to pull out a meter and prick your finger multiple times a day? I sure can’t. High school was bad enough with everyone staring and everyone asking questions, I think it would be worse in middle school when you’re going through so many other changes too.

Besides that, people have to understand that controlling your diabetes doesn’t mean that your numbers are always perfect. Sometimes you’ll randomly be 260 or you’ll be 50 and there’s nothing that you did to cause that. But sitting in class when you start to feel a low blood sugar is horrible. You begin sweating, losing feeling in your fingers, lips, tongue, and toes, you start to shake, but the worst part is knowing that you need to check your blood sugar and you need to eat or drink something, and you physically can’t. It takes everything you have to concentrate enough to stay with it for the next two minutes and pull our your meter and keep your head up. But sitting in class with a high blood sugar is completely different. You get really hot, and really tired. But it’s not a normal tired where you just really need some coffee or a 15 minute power nap. Everything goes out of perspective and you’re just staring. It’s hard because sometimes it’s really hard to recognize a high blood sugar. You really just sit in class and it’s like you can be told to copy down a sentence, and you know you’re supposed to be writing down this sentence, but you just can’t. You’re body is just a lump.

How Type 1 Diabetes Affects you Emotionally.

When I left the hospital, I wasn’t expecting to go home and just go on living how I had before, it had been made obvious that even though I was “normal,” my life wouldn’t be. I also didn’t expect my diagnosis to be as emotional as it was. It’s hard to deal with though, going from crying from getting a flu shot to having to give yourself shots multiple times a day. That’s a hard barrier to get over. As a parent, it seems really hard for a birthday party to come around and have to explain to your kid that they can have  some cake or ice cream, but they shouldn’t have too much. It’s almost like dieting, where you have to have a good mentality in knowing what you should and shouldn’t eat at what times even though you can technically eat anything. It’s also hard to get over going to school and you might have to go to the nurse before or after lunch, you have to give yourself a shot at lunch, you have to check you blood sugar numerous times a day. As a kid, it’s hard to deal with those stares and those questions. And if a child has a pump, especially girls, you have to buy certain clothes that you know you can hide it. You have to find dresses that are particular so your pump isn’t just sticking out. Growing up with diabetes is one more thing kids have to ask about, ask why they aren’t like their friends, and cry when they can’t buy their favorite dress because their pump sticks out. Or when they go on their first date they have to explain everything because they have to prick their finger and maybe give themselves a shot.

How Type 1 Diabetes Affects you Spiritually.

It’s really easy to be angry at God when you’re diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. You’ve been told there’s this omniscient God out there looking out for you, but then you get diabetes and it’s like, “What did I do wrong?” It’s so easy for us to feel like good things happen to us when we’ve done something good, like a good deed, and then it’s easy to think that when something bad happens, it’s because we did something bad, like we’re being punished. Well getting diabetes is a big punishment if you look at it that way. It’s constantly asking why God hates you, or why God chose you to have to deal with diabetes and not someone else who breaks the law or something. It’s easy to hate God for making you live with this horrible disease. I think it’s so important to tell these people that they aren’t getting punished, they just got diabetes. It’s not because they didn’t help the old lady across the street or they stole a piece of candy from the jar after their parents said no, it just happened. And it’s important to tell them that God is still with them, because He is! In so many cases, isn’t it miraculous that this person got to the hospital on time? You have diabetes, you have to deal with it, but you don’t have to deal with it alone.

Daily Life.

Many people don’t realize that people with Type 1 diabetes did nothing wrong. It wasn’t that they didn’t eat properly as a child or they didn’t go outside and run enough. But many people also do not realize that this can be a fatal disease. My life is in my hands everyday. I have to choose to make the right decisions about not eating 3 pieces of cake, but also choosing to give myself insulin when I do eat. It’s easy to forget, and it’s easy to make a mistake. But one mistake can lead to terrible consequences. I’m lucky in that I now have Obamacare as a fallback insurance if I were to choose a career that didn’t provide me with insurance. In many ways, I can do what everyone else does. But it’ll be a little different. I can still play soccer in college, but I might have to stop at practice for a few minutes and get my blood sugar in check. Type 1 diabetes is a prominent enough disease in America that more people should know what it is and what it’s like.

To the Boy Who Left Me For Another Girl

I dated this guy my whole freshman year of college, and recently he broke up with me because he wanted to try things out with his ex-girlfriend. Of course, I was destroyed. I couldn’t eat, or sleep. I couldn’t fathom the thought of him driving to go visit her, or the thought of her going to visit him, doing the same things that we had done, staying in the same room I had. Recently though, I’ve had a lot of time to just think about things, and there are some things I want to say:

I pray that you never feel the way you have made me feel.
I hope you never have to realize that feeling alone isn’t the worst feeling, it’s feeling as though you’re being forgotten by the one you can’t forget. I pray that you never feel that you’re not good enough, that even though you gave someone your whole heart and loved them unconditionally, it wasn’t enough for them. I hope you never have to stop a workout because your body doesn’t have enough nutrients to do it. I pray that you never lay in bed and the only thing you feel are the tears running down your cheeks. I hope you never have your trust crushed and feel as though you’ll never trust anyone enough again. I pray that you never feel unloved, crushed, and/or destroyed by someone you once loved with everything in the world.

Thank you for turning my insecurities into securities.
Our entire relationship, I was worried about this ex-girlfriend. She would keep in touch with you saying how much she missed you and hoped you were happy. It seemed that all the boys thought she was so pretty. So I was always worried that one day you would wake up and you would think that you could just go and have her back, and you would think that she was prettier, skinnier, better. And one day, I guess you did. But through this, I have realized, I never should’ve been worried about her, or about anyone else. Not because you chose me, or whatever, but because what seems to make her feel beautiful, is not what I find beautiful for myself. I don’t want to wear pounds of make-up, I don’t want to look like I need a burger and an extra side of fries, and I don’t ever want to come between two people. If that is what makes her feel beautiful, I’m all for it, truly! Good for her! But I like looking like it took 5 minutes to get ready because it usually does, and I like looking like I play soccer because I do, and I like that I love who I have surrounded myself with because I don’t have to go searching anywhere for anyone else to fill in gaps. I shouldn’t have ever worried about what makes her feel beautiful, or what you think is beautiful even, because what’s most important is that I feel beautiful everyday with who I am.

I hope you find a girl that makes you the happiest guy in the world.
I hope that you find a girl one day that makes you wonder how a guy could ever leave her. I hope that you find a girl that makes you never even question giving up because no fight, no disagreement stands up against your love. I hope that on the days that are stressful at work, the house is a mess, the laundry isn’t done, you find someone who brings a smile to your face and makes you laugh. I hope you find a girl that makes you feel the way that you made me feel.

Thank you for making my freshman year amazing.
Graduating high school and going to the school of my dreams was the best thing that ever happened to me. From the day I met you, there wasn’t another one that passed that I didn’t want to be with you. I loved meeting your friends and your teammates and making them some of my friends too. I loved going to your house and visiting your amazing family and neighbors. I loved the lazy nights of watching Netflix and lying in bed under the covers. I loved going out to friends’ houses and laughing the night away, not caring what troubles the next day would bring. I loved dancing in my dorm with you before semi-formal. I loved introducing you to God’s beverage on this Earth- coffee. I loved making you dinner, helping with your laundry and helping with your homework. I loved picking out your outfits and shopping with you. I loved going to all of your baseball games- even the miserably cold ones. I loved listening to you talk about the weather. I loved listening to your laugh, and how it felt when you grabbed my hand. I loved hearing your voice when I answered the phone when you got off work. I loved watching you be with your friends. I loved looking at you, looking back at me and smiling. I loved driving to find snow and finding new places to eat. I loved supporting you, adventuring with you, and loving you.

Thank you for opening my world to other possibilities.
Thank you for exposing me to a family who has stuck together after the fights and the arguments. Thank you for showing me that some extended families are really close and they work to stay in touch with one another. Thank you for showing me that love can be a beautiful thing, even if it hurts sometimes, and even if it’s hard sometimes. Thank you for lighting a match for me in what turned out to be a wonderful relationship with God. You showed me that living in this world is not hard with some glimpses of a good life, but it’s a good life, full of love, laughter, and joy as long as you wither some storms.

One of the things special to the freshmen at Berry College is the first year seminar class everyone is required to take, and it is referred to as BCC 100 by the student body. One of my most recent assignments for my BCC class was to write a paper explaining to the professor our experience so far at Berry. It was not until I sat down to write this paper that I realized how much my life has changed in these first couple months here.

Starting off my college experience in a boot and on crutches made me wonder if my life would ever change from what it was in high school. I was scared about not being with my friends, I was scared about not being within the white cinder blocks of Thompson High School that I had once spent daydreaming of leaving, and I was scared I had not made the right choice of where to go. I was in pain from my torn ligaments and worried I would have to go home for too long of a period and I would inevitably fail out of school before I was even able to complete my first semester of college. From the first week of classes, I realized that I was no longer one of the top in my class, in fact, everyone here had once been in the top of their class. I was no longer one of the hardest working players, because every player on the team had worked hard to play college soccer.

But thinking back now on all of that, and thinking about this second I’m in right now, never in my life have I struggled so much, yet been so happy at the same time. I spend hours upon hours studying every night, many going into the next morning, and yet I’m happy. I’m making lower grades than ever before, and working harder for those than I ever had, and yet I’m still happy. I attend ever soccer practice and every game, and am unable to play, but I’m still happy.

Never in my life have I ever felt lucky, and yet I stare into some blue, green eyes everyday, and I wonder how I got so blessed to meet such an amazing person. I’ve never met anyone who I thought was too good for me, and yet everyday I think about how he could have the world if he just asked. He holds my hand and I feel like the world can throw anything at me, but ‘ll still have someone by my side. He wraps his long arms around me and I feel safe and comfortable in the world.

Sometimes I sit at practice, or I sit in D-Hall with my team, and I think about how each and every other girl on the team came form a different place. They all came from a different school with a different team, and different friends, and they all came to Berry, just like me, wondering if they made the right choice. They all had a life before this. Each person I’ve met has left a life they once knew full of friendships, relationships, teammates, homemade dinner at the table with their family, pets, and memories from the house they grew up in. Every person has left something they may love more than anything in the world, and they have left something they’ve been waiting to be away form for years. Every one I know now has left everything they have ever known, and now we all know each other, writing this whole new chapter in our lives together.

I’ve just never been so sure about something in my life before. I’m the person who never really cares where we eat or what we do on a date, just because I can never make a decision. So, you can imagine what I THOUGHT choosing a college would be like. But from the second I drove on Berry’s campus, I knew I wanted to go to school here. It would’ve been so easy to change my own mind and go to South Alabama, being in the same state as my home, and with many people I’ve grown up with. And the first couple weeks here, I thought maybe that’s what I should’ve done. But, thank goodness I followed my heart. I’ve never felt so right before. With the right team, the right friends, the right guy, and the right school. My entire environment is everything I’ve ever wanted.

So far, college is hard, and full of breakdowns wondering if I’m going to fail out. College is eating too much all the time, and spooning out peanut butter when you realize you have no money. College is staying up all hours of the night for one homework assignment, every night of the week. But college is also struggling together with people who have your back. And college is waking up every morning, with only a few hours of sleep, and looking forward to doing it again. College is having fun and struggling and loving life and wondering what your future holds all at the same time.

That’s just what college is like for me… So far.

Dr. Lewis (and readers),

This is actually an assignment for my freshman writing class in which I have 250-300 words to persuade my teacher, Dr. Lewis, to remember me. He explained to me that I could type “I have a hurt leg” over and over again until I hit my word limit, but I thought, that’s not who I am. I am not my crutches and boot, I am not my ACL scars, I am not my type 1 diabetes, and I am not any other problems I have ever had.

Some people would argue that I am a giant contradiction to life. These people would argue that without modern technology, I would not be alive, meaning I technically shouldn’t be living.

Other people would argue that life is all about overcoming the odds and making something from nothing, which is what makes up my life.

But whether you, Dr. Lewis, or you readers, believe that life has the purpose of defying the odds, or believe that I shouldn’t be alive right now, I am who I am. I don’t think I’m necessarily a blend in with the crowd kind of girl, but I’m also not a superstar or a world-class athlete.

I am who I am, and I do not know who that is, and I don’t know if I ever will. I do know I will be successful, and I will put my whole heart into my work and relationships. I know I will do my best, and I know that my life is full of unfortunate events. I know that there are many rough patches that may feel to be too much sometimes, but  also know that life is full of blessings that make it worth it.

I am Ordinarily Different.

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“Don’t be scared! These will be the best four years of your life!”

I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I was preached that very line before I started high school just four years ago (now I say “Just four years” then I said “I have four whole years”). Now that is probably the most true and most false statement I’ve ever heard. High school is the hell hole that you see in movies, but it’s also a giant building with hundreds of your closest friends.

When you ask high school alumni how their high school experience was they’ll either tell you how awesome it was or how they couldn’t wait to get out. I’m now a high school graduate and in a week i’ll be moving three hours away to another state for college, and i’ll tell you real quick that I could not wait until I walked across the stage to get my diploma. I took the whole “counting down the days” to another level. I woke up late every single day with just enough time to put on a touch of make-up (or none), put mousse in my hair, throw on a t-shirt, and grab a granola bar. Each day I dreaded the next even more with very little pushing me to try at all.

Now, could I have made my experience more positive and enjoyed it a little more? Probably. But that’s the worst part about high school… it’s all so fake. I wasn’t happy about being in a giant, white, cinder block building with people I didn’t particularly enjoy, so why should I act like it? Unfortunately it took me until my senior year to realize that faking it wasn’t worth it. People will be nice to your face, but they’ll talk behind your back. You might get cheated on by a boy you like, and your teacher might be too hard on you. You will have pressure on you to look the right way, and say the right thing. You’ll be pressured to do things you’ve never done, but now mom and dad aren’t there to say no.

They say high school is all about finding yourself, but I think it’s more about finding who you’re not. In high school you should go to parties, go to ball games, go lay in the middle of the road and look at the stars, take chances, and fall in love even when everyone says you’re too young. You WILL get in trouble and you WILL disappoint someone… So you might as well try new things and see what you like and what you don’t.

Even if you don’t like everyone you meet in high school, your class is something you’re a part of. Looking back now, it’s weird to think I won’t see certain people every day, even if I had never had a conversation with them. Take advantage of the simple sleepovers and lunch dates with your friends because soon it won’t be that easy. If you like someone, tell them. If they look pretty, tell them. Your time is too short to take away simple pleasures.

Growing up, we’re taught to say no to drugs, don’t drink until you’re 21, go to college, wait to have sex until you’re married, and that love is easy. High school teaches you reality. People all around you will drink and do drugs, some people won’t be cut out for college, people have sex with others who don’t even know their name, and sometimes, love is hard.

Despite everything, high school is an experience. It will come with both good and bad, but no matter what, time goes on and there are bigger, better things coming. Even though you feel like what you’re learning in class is pointless (because sometimes it is) high school is a reality check. Try new things, go out when you can, and make good grades.

Cheers to another experience

Two years ago today, I went to the doctor expecting to hear that I had relapsed back to mono, but instead I was told to get to the hospital within the next two hours. Now, I could write for days about all the changes type 1 diabetes has brought to my life. But that would mean just about nothing to any of you. Instead, i’d like to tell you one thing that I wish I had known on July 27,2012.

Life is change.

Every minute, every second, every millisecond, everything is changing. No two seconds are the exact same. So if things are constantly changing, why dwell on the things from the past that you can’t build on?

Change is inevitable.

When something happens, or something changes in your life, what you do, how you react, and what you do afterwards is solely up to you. So type 1 diabetes sucks. But I like who I am. I’m comfortable with who I am. And I know now that no matter what, I’ll be okay. Nothing will ever be too hard. It’s up to you to make a bad thing, not so bad.

So to my family, my friends, and my dead pancreas,

Cheers

I think it’s rather funny that it takes a whole life time to learn how to live. Day by day nothing seems to change, but when you look back on even the past year let along an entire life time, and you see that only everything is different. Only is it that when you’re dying do you see how you wish you would’ve/could’ve lived.

Growing up, I thought all parents fought like mine did. I thought every child was woken by their parents screaming at each other and doors being slammed. When I was 8 years old, my parents finally got divorced, telling me like all kids with divorced parents, that it would make life so much better and make us a happy go lucky stronger family. I was so excited to not worry about those fights in the middle of the night anymore. But then they sat my brother and I down at our kitchen table one afternoon and talked to us about our new “schedule”. My brother already being able to drive, he didn’t quite have to follow this new schedule my parents made up. All I understood from the conversation was that I was hardly ever going to see my dad, and that I had a feeling I would miss those late night arguments. My parents had separated a couple times before the divorce, so I assumed this was the same thing: going to see my dad, and eating stroganoff with him and my brother. But I was very wrong. This new schedule had everyone angry, asking questions, demanding answers that I didn’t have. It meant tears form coming and going and tears from not understanding. The late night fights that kept me up into the late hours of the night only turned into arguments through my brother and I, which also kept me up at night feeling guilty. I was never one of those kids who felt like they were the reason for the divorce, but I felt I sure didn’t help. Counselor after counselor, and court date after court date, my life was always changing. Someone was always upset and someone was always crying. At 12 years old, I testified against my own parents. Sitting in the small meeting room with both my parents’ lawyers, I never felt more inhuman. No matter what I said, each lawyer twisted it a different way. At the end, nothing I said mattered because someone was crying tears of joy and the other crying tears of loss. One heartbreak.

Between middle school and my sophomore year of high school, a few not so awesome things occurred, but nothing I knew I couldn’t handle. At the end of my 10^th grade year, I was diagnosed with pneumonia and mono. After about 6 weeks of doing absolutely nothing, I finally started running and practicing again, but only to feel worse. Now, at some point, everyone has said, “I feel like I’m dying” or “”I feel like death” when they’ve been sick. But imagine feeling like that, but actually be dying and not knowing it. Imagine how it might feel to find out that you’ve been slowly killing yourself for an unpredicted amount of time. I cannot put a word to that feeling, but I know I felt it on July 27, 2012 when I got diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. I had two hours to get to the hospital… I ate baked potato anyways. Everyone in the hospital was very sweet, but had obviously rarely, if ever, dealt with a 16 year old. “You’ll be like everyone else” they said. “You can do anything else anyone else can do” they said. It would’ve been nice to cut the bullshit and have them tell me how it was really going to be. Shots after shots, stares from friends, family, and strangers, and disapproving blood sugars. I was not like everyone else. I could not do what everyone else could do. Let me tell you what a low blood sugar feels like: like you’re so drunk you’re about to pass out. Your head gets too heavy to hold, your tongue too thick to form words, your whole body involuntarily shaking, your heart pounding, etc. Now a high blood sugar is different: you get really hot, thirsty, bitter, and it’s like being told to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but making turkey. You know what you’re supposed to do, but you literally can’t. The worst part about having high blood sugar is producing ketones. Keynotes are the “make you feel like death” part. They’re acids poisoning your body and make your muscles shrink and your body literally deteriorate itself. That is what my second semester of junior year consisted of. In and out of the hospital, only going to a couple full weeks of school. Diabetes is hard mentally, physically, and emotionally. My first semester of junior year, I dated a guy who didn’t love me or particularly care for me, but he acted like it and that’s all I cared about. I cut myself for a while. But second semester I moved on from him and the cutting to partying. I hung out with the wrong people in the wrong places at the wrong times. All of these things I did to cope because it was a pain I could control, not a pain that was controlling me. It took me about a year to finally accept that God was not punishing me and that I did nothing wrong, but that’s a battle I fight every day.  Two heartbreak.

Not only was the diabetes a problem my second semester of my junior year, I broke my wrist and completely tore my ACL… a week apart. The pain was enough to make me black out, unfortunately only for about a minute, but I felt it all after that. Every step thinking my leg was going to collapse, and sometimes it did. I thought I was done playing soccer forever, the one thing that connected my family together. I couldn’t walk for what felt like my whole life. I didn’t know what I was going to do anymore. Three heartbreak.

Love. What is it? Being physically attracted to someone or emotionally attached to them? Is it saying “I love you to the moon and back?” or saying you’d take a bullet for them? I think it’s another one of those things that cannot truly be explained. Like every love story starts, I met this guy. He went to a different school, but I didn’t care, I wasn’t too fond of seeing the same people every day anyways. From the start I knew he was different, but I didn’t really allow myself to accept any feelings for him until about a month after first talking to him. I could see that he cared about me, but something was holding him back. He fought for me when I got mad over something stupid and called me out afterwards for getting mad in the first place. He challenged me. But timing isn’t always on our side and it wasn’t the right time. Though I spent too many hours upset, crying, and eating my emotions, I don’t regret any of it. Four heartbreak.

The point of me writing this post is to not gain sympathy from anybody or to just tell a sad tale. I want people to know who I am and where I come from. But I also want people to know that heartbreak happens, it happens all the time, whether it be like these and be major or any of the tiny heartbreaks in between. But time does not stop and time will not go by any slower. Time goes on. Life goes on. And it really is okay to not be okay. Because eventually, it will be okay, and time will open more doors and opportunities. No matter how sucky life gets, it’s still life and you will continue to live through the pain and the joy.

You live an entire life just to learn how to live.

I’ve been through two years of AP English, and have never gone through such bad writers block as I have for two projects the past couple weeks. One project was an essay for a soccer scholarship and the other was a speech for my show choir banquet. These two projects have one thing in common: the subject really means something to me.

But what is meaning?

Is it love? It is the act of caring? What does it mean to have meaning? Personally, I don’t think there is such a definition. I think that “meaning” is set for each individual to define as their own. Soccer probably doesn’t mean anything to the majority of you who read this. Music doesn’t mean the same to me as it probably does to you. Meaning comes from what we value.

So what I’ve concluded from not being able to write these two essays for days is that sometimes there just aren’t words to pin point meaning. Sometimes there really are no words. How do you tell your child how much you love them? Say that you’ll take a bullet for them or that you love them to the moon and back? Maybe. But sit and think about whether that truly describes how much love you have for that person. There are no words to tell that person exactly how much you love them.

Words carry meaning, but meaning does not always carry words.

I find it quite humorous that parents are so shocked and amazed when they find out their child is depressed. Because they’ve done their best. It’s like all parents with depressed kids go through the same coping steps. 1) DENIAL. So let’s start with a scenario. A child’s depression could never be influenced by the parent, right? Because if they’re doing their best, it’s flawless. The parents who work all the time do it so their kids are provided with everything they want. The parents who get on to their kids for any mistake do it to teach the child what the “real world” is like. The parents who talk down to their kids do it to strengthen them. What these parents have in common is that they all believe depression is just their child being over dramatic and yearning for attention. Many people mistake depression for just being sad, but it’s so much more. It’s being lonely in a room full of people. It’s feeling rejected while so many crave for your attention. It’s feeling unloved while being kissed goodnight. It’s feeling empty even when your mind is full. It’s drowning in an ocean with no water. But kids become depressed for attention, ya know, because everyone wants to feel like shit. So let’s play another scenario. The parents accept that they could have done better, but say, “why didn’t you tell me how you feel?” I’ve gotten this one before. And I was absolutely flabbergasted. Because I had told my mom how I felt numerous times, but every time I did, my feelings were down played. I’m a teenage girl being over dramatic and whining. It’s just me seeking attention. Seeing a pattern yet? So, another scenario. The parents listen to how the child feels and takes it into consideration. After a couple weeks of showing love for the child the parents say, “This isn’t all about you! I need to be happy too! You should be grateful for what you have!” My mind is simply blown. People think feeling depressed is fun?! Like, what do you want me to do, flip a switch and just feel differently?! People can look at me and think that I have everything I need. But that’s because our society is materialistic. How one feels should be based on what one owns. What every child with depression lacks, is not necessarily a lack of owning, but a lack of love and acceptance. So, if you are a parent reading this, consider that what your child is saying about how they feel, might actually be true. I’m not saying that as a parent, you’re doing anything wrong, but maybe just going about it in the wrong way. Food and water are necessities, but so is love and acceptance. Keep that in mind as you go through your days.