OrdinarilyDifferent

All of these people keep saying, “I’m so sorry”, “Are you okay?”, and “I’m praying for you.” And I keep saying, “I’m okay, it could be worse.” Because I feel like that’s what everyone wants to hear. That’s what’s “socially acceptable.” Because there’s a little boy in Africa who has to walk 10 miles to get water everyday. Because there’s a sweet, innocent 5 year old boy with cancer, but he’s fighting through. So what do I have to complain about, right? I have food to fill my belly, clothes to keep me warm, a house to shelter me, and two parents who love and support me. But I also recently found out I have type 1 diabetes, so even if I’m hungry, I can’t eat most of the food in the pantry. Most of my warm clothes don’t fit over my cast that’s supporting my broken wrist. It takes me 10 minutes to get from the front door to my bedroom because I completely tore my ACL so walking is a huge struggle. My parents went through hell, or what society calls a divorce, so now I’m constantly separated from a loved one at all times. My whole life, I’ve put on this strong face trying to hide the true pain I’ve gone through. To a point where I’ve tried push out all emotions. To a point where I truly did not care about anyone or anything. I just wanted to play soccer. But now what? I can’t play. So it’s all bottled up. For the longest time, I’ve felt so bad questioning God and being mad at him for letting these things happen to me. But I think questioning is what shows I care. It’s such a serious topic, faith, and so many people just listen to someone who listened to someone who listened to someone. And they just believe everything that’s said. But you’re beliefs don’t have to be the same- it’s like teenagers talking about politics. They say whatever their parents say even though they have no idea what they’re talking about. So, ya know, I’m not okay. I’m sad, mad, confused, and frustrated. I’m in pain, and my heart is hurting. I feel betrayed and empty. But I know it won’t last forever. I know one day it will be okay. It may not be tomorrow, the next day, next week, next month, or even next year. But I know ill be okay. And I think admitting that and knowing that takes more strength than looking at someone in the eyes and saying, “I’m fine.” Because I may not be perfect, but I am not a liar. I have faith in God. I think God has faith in me, or I would’ve died a long time ago. The people who love me have faith in me. But most importantly, I have faith in myself. And I will never give up.